I have to be blatantly honest, lately I've wallowed in a small amount of self pity. Sometimes I feel like life couldn't be any more unfair and for that reason it can become quite taxing at any given moment. When I look at the 4 humans I've created, they are my realization, they are my why! The reasons why I get up every day and push forward on 2 hours of sleep, the reasons why I put meals on the table, and keep a clean home (most of the time). More than anything they are the reasons why my heart has the capacity to love beyond measure. I wish I would have known the feelings that came along with having children, they enhance and make you feel "MORE" - more thrill, more love, more anguish, more adoration, more fear, more gratitude, more doubt, MORE crazy. A child takes your heart and mind and squishes them into a pulp in their fat little baby hands. There are days I look in the mirror and think Good Lord woman, put on some clean pants and get your crap together. Some days are more trying that others, raising my rugrats can sometimes be the most frustrating, boring, numbing, exhausting, and lonely job I've ever had. But there's also an opposite: The feelings are all so BIG including the good ones. As I type this, I can literally recall how thier chubby little cheeks felt against my lips; I kissed them hundreds of times a day. I remember exactly how my heart surged seeing a smile, white haired baby standing at the crib rails, squealing at the sight of me. I precisely remember all thier first steps. I was there laughing, cheering, and holding out my arms. Those feelings are so BIG and so REAL. When I push through the BIG exhaustion and BIG guilt, I've tapped into something more healthy: BIG pride. Every night with all 4 kids (most of the time) bathed, read to, rocked, snuggled, talked to, and tucked into bed, I feel like some sort of damn warrior princess. Who can handle this many kids every day, APPARENTLY I can (and if I managed to also have sex that night, I feel like a viable candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize for my contributions to humanity). There are times I feel as if my brain is falling apart and I'm a hot mess. Then I look at my children. Their shoes are on the right feet, at least one has combed hair, those round bellies are clearly well fed, and one peek in thier eyes, lets me know there's a lot of light there. Those eyes are loved, cherished, and cared for. I'm doing it, I'm raising whole humans, healthy and happy and safe. Then it happens - kids grow up! They pee on the potty! They make their own sandwiches! They wash their own hair! They go to school for seven hours a day. The nonstop physical parenting slows down. The daily marathon relents. The world spins faster and time lapses faster than it ever did before. These little ones that are ever changing, you fall even more madly in love with them as every year passes. That part doesn't get any better. The BIG feelings stay BIG, especially the tender ones. Your brain becomes more useful, but the kids grow up and you can't stop it. That adorable 3-year-old you're tucking into bed, blink and you'll be sending him to Driver's Ed. I'll tell you something most moms don't; teenagers are mostly awesome. Sure, you also want to strangle them of course, but they are funny and smart and interesting, and the teen stage is totally my jam. It's not all great (this exact moment I'm thinking of the car my son was in a month ago when it rolled), but no stage of parenting is all great. I wish I would have known before bringing my first son home; the baby years are short, kind of like five minutes... underwater. It doesn't seem like it, but they go to kindergarten, then ride bikes without training wheels, don't rely on you as much or as often. Every day I thank God that I got to be their parent, that they are mine, that they walked into my arms at one point and will walk out at another. What a gift! I wouldn't trade one day of BIG feelings, because the good ones far outweigh the hard ones, and the one that endures above all is BIG BIG BIG LOVE.
