"Losing Our Little Boy"

I feel inclined to write something about this in hopes that it may contribute to some inner peace I need in coming to terms with the tragic heart ache from losing our little boy. It will be two weeks tomorrow since I delivered a small fragile baby that had his hand gently strewn across his tummy when I was able to hold him. Up until this point we hadn't even known the baby was a boy. My heart hurts every day, somedays are more apparent than others but whenever I think about the events that led up to our loss tears immediately fill my eyes. Unlike alot of pregnancies especially mine, we had planned this baby perfectly to the point that his birthday would be separate from our other children and he wouldn't have to share a birthday month. After being monitored very cautiously during the first trimester of pregnancy to ensure everything was going along smoothly, we entered our second trimester more than elated. At 16 weeks during a routine check up, my ob was unable to find the babies heartbeat and being safe sent us over for ultrasound. I knew immediately that something was wrong when the tech responded "let me go call the doctor" and then confirmed the baby had no heartbeat. I instantaneously burst into tears and now looking back can't imagine what that poor tech thought about my behavior. We were then told by my doctor because the baby was too big to do a D & C that I would need to go to L & D and be induced to deliver the baby naturally. Nothing made any sense the baby was just fine with a strong heartbeat and now NOTHING, I had convinved myself God wouldn't do this to us again and later learned I was wrong. Twelve hours after being induced, having contractions, my water breaking, and bleeding like I had lost a limb our little boy entered and left our lifes. He was a tiny image of perfection. I wish I had taken more time to hold him but when I close my eyes I can see him as clear as day and it eases the pain knowing how peaceful he looked. I'm not angry with God anymore, I believe he needed our baby more than we did even though it doesn't dull the ache in my heart. I'm thankful that God allowed him to be part of our life. Although I dream of what his life would have been like, I feel blessed to have an angel in heaven watching and awaiting the time we can all be together again.